Gay the Pray Away - Natalie Naudus

Initial Draw: ☆☆☆☆☆
Character Development: ☆☆☆
Plot/Writing Style: ☆☆☆☆

Overall: ⭐⭐⭐⭐

From the cover:

"Valerie Danners is in a cult. She just doesn't know it yet. But when she stumbles upon a queer romance novel at the library, everything about her life - centered around a fundamentalist Christian homeschooling group - is thrown into question.

And to make things even more complicated, there's a new girl in town. Riley is rebellious, kindhearted, and impossibly cool. As the two bond over being multiracial teens in their very white and very religious community, Valerie finds herself falling in love.

Soon Valerie and Riley are exchanging notes in secret and stealing kisses behind the church. But even as their romance blooms, Valerie knows that they're trapped. If Valerie wants a chance at writing her own story, she must choose between staying with a family she fears will never accept her and running away with the girl she loves."

📚📚📚 

While I thought this was a bit heavy-handed and would have benefited from some subtlety and better development, character and story-wise, overall, I really enjoyed it. To the uninitiated (aka people who were lucky enough to NOT grow up in a cult), some of the interactions with Valerie's parents and other "Institute" members may seem overexaggerated or almost like a caricature, but rest assured, all of that is very real and not what I found heavy-handed. (Example: while my parents didn't forbid me from going to college the way Valerie's would have, it was with the expectation that I quit when I got married. There were some Big Feelings when I made it clear that wouldn't be happening.) 

I also very much identified with "close" friends cutting you off the second you weren't acting the way that they wanted you to. So real. Oh, and dudes getting to do cool shit during church activities while the girls had to sit and quietly learn how to best take care of the menfolk? My godddddddddddddddddd, let me tell you about all the cool hiking and rappelling and whatnot that my male church friends got to do while I did shit like learning how to iron button-down shirts and tie a tie so I could be of service to my future husband. The culty stuff was very real and infuriating. And don't even get me STARTED on her fucking brother, that absolute douche of a human.

Anyway, all that ranting about the shittiness of cults out of the way, my favorite character was far and away Riley. I adored her. She was very clearly going through her own shit, yet she was so supportive and optimistic and really lifted Valerie up. She was also unapologetically herself, even under immense pressure to conform, and she refused to make herself small to appease the fragility of others. While a very minor character, I also loved Mrs. Batra, Valerie's neighbor. She was so sweet and thoughtful, and I wish she played a bigger role in the story. Honestly, some of the most minor characters ended up being my favorites, I wish they all featured a little more! This book was relatively short, and I think it could have benefited from a little more development at the beginning and more wind-down at the end. And then we could have seen more from several of those minor characters who rocked so hard.

One of the most bittersweet parts of this book for me is a huge spoiler, so don't read ahead if you're planning on reading this.

Spoilers ahead, don't keep scrolling.

Seriously, stop reading if you don't want to be spoiled.

Have you read the book?

Are you not planning to?

Do you look ahead to the endings of things anyway and don't care one whit if you get spoiled?

Okay, then here we go.

At the end, on the day Valerie leaves home, I was so shocked that her mom supported her, but the more I thought back on it, the more sense it made. (Incidentally, I was SCREAMING at her to not tell her parents, if it hadn't been so close to the end of the book and the book as a whole hadn't been so positive, I would have been genuinely afraid of what her dad would do to her.) Like, her mom was so suffocating and bought-in to everything in her interactions with Valerie, but at the same time, you could see that she felt similarly suffocated herself. I saw a lot in her that I see in my own mom. 

On the one hand, she's a person who desperately wants some kind of scaffolding to dictate to her the "rules" of existing in our random, often fucked-up world and give some kind of meaning and sense of community without having to go through what it takes to develop a real, healthy, supportive community. On the other, she's a person who is intelligent and strong-willed and knows that she is in a situation where she has to make herself smaller so other people *coughmencough* can feel bigger. It's an inner conflict that I can't even begin to understand, because I couldn't do it and I left, but it has to be hard. It gave me a little bit of home that Valerie's mom recognized that she didn't want her daughter to live like that and helped her get out - and hey, maybe at some point she'll realize that she doesn't deserve to live like that either and get out herself. We can only hope.