"Stella Lane thinks math is the only thing that unites the universe. She comes up with algorithms to predict customer purchases--a job that has given her more money than she knows what to do with, and way less experience in the dating department than the average thirty-year-old.It doesn't help that Stella has Asperger's and French kissing reminds her of a shark getting its teeth cleaned by pilot fish. Her conclusion: she needs lots of practice--with a professional. Which is why she hires escort Michael Phan. The Vietnamese and Swedish stunner can't afford to turn down Stella's offer, and agrees to help her check off all the boxes on her lesson plan--from foreplay to more-than-missionary position...Before long, Stella not only learns to appreciate his kisses, but crave all of the other things he's making her feel. Their no-nonsense partnership starts making a strange kind of sense. And the pattern that emerges will convince Stella that love is the best kind of logic..."
I picked this book because, aside from the outdated reference to Asperger's, the plot sounded intriguing. From the description, I expected it to be sweet, maybe a little nerdy, and something of a slow burn romance-wise. Imagine my surprise when I turn on the audiobook for the first time on my drive to work and within the first two chapters Michael is gripping his cock and masturbating to just shy of completion in preparation for his first "date" with Stella.
I mean...I know it's a romance but it read more contemporary fiction and less bodice-ripper to me, so it took me a lot by surprise being auditorily accosted by cocks at like 6:30 in the morning pulling into an effing ELEMENTARY SCHOOL. Slow burn this was decidedly not. Also, I take issue with "before long, Stella not only learns to appreciate his kisses, but crave all of the other things he's making her feel..." in the description because "before long" is basically immediately. And that brings me to my biggest issue with this book: Every bit of the plot felt manufactured.
I mean, we start off with Stella eating with her parents, hearing about the pressure from her mom to have grandkids (even though Stella has never actually dated anyone) and witnessing firsthand Stella's discomfort with being touched. Alright, I'm following. If you don't like being touched in general, you're probably not going to be super comfortable with doing the sex, particularly if you've never been in a relationship.
Then we're treated to a description of the last time she'd had sex (which I believe was her third time ever), and we learn that her only sexual encounters thus far have been obligatory sex with random blind dates who have essentially sexually assaulted her after it was clear that she was not enthusiastically consenting to anything they were engaging in. Ummmmmmm. That's certainly...something.😐
Enter Michael, the cock gripper himself. They meet up for the first time, and while there is a little tension and anxiety on Stella's part, she almost immediately is going weak-kneed and horny for him. Which is hard for me to wrap my brain around, both taking into account her aversion to touch in general and keeping in mind that literally her only other experience with intimacy has been so decidedly negative. I mean, at the risk of getting into TMI, I have been sexually assaulted before, and while everyone reacts differently, I just do not buy being instantaneously comfortable with someone just because they take things a tiny bit slow. Nope. No way.
Immediately comfortable Stella is, though, and after a tiny bit of turbulence, the book basically becomes nonstop filthy sex. Not only that, but Michael and Stella have pretty much fallen in love at their first meeting, and they're essentially dating, but of course they're not actually dating because [insert trivial manufactured reason Stella thinks Michael doesn't actually like her] and [insert trivial manufactured reason Michael thinks Stella doesn't actually like him]. It didn't even feel like there was plot conflict for like 80% of the book because it was just Stella and Michael boning down in between forced introspection about how much they liked being together and how sad they were that it could never possibly work out for real because mumble mumble mumble...
Things do finally come to a head, probably 85% of the way into the book, in an incredibly convincing and not at all contrived way (insert sarcmarkⓒ here). The not-couple breaks up, sending both of them into a vicious downward spiral in which Michael contemplates fucking someone else, since Stella totally is (?), while Stella decides she needs to quit her job (?) to become a doctor instead. Fortunately, while all these dark thoughts are going down, Stella goes out to dinner with a trashbag of a coworker, Michael runs into them, and after totally necessary shenanigans, the couple is happily reunited. Not only that, but Michael informs her the moment they get back together that he will be proposing to her in three months, so she has time to mentally prepare. I'm sorry...what?! How incredibly Mormon of you, Michael.
Anyway, congratulations to the happy couple, but even more congratulations to me for not having to listen to this book anymore. Did I hate it? No. Did I want to finish it? Also no. Did it make me like it approximately 78% less than I would have otherwise that Michael on multiple occasions dictated to Stella that her vagina MUST be referred to as a pussy and that he basically ordered her to wear her hair down and wear sundresses at one point? Absolutely. Did I also not love that in one chapter there were approximately infinity references to Stella's "sex," which is possibly my least favorite euphemism for a person's bits? I truly did not. Am I just asking rambling questions now because there were so many little gripes I had with this book? You nailed it.
Read this book or don't, I don't care. If you do, I recommend avoiding reading in public, since so much of it is extra spicy, but you do you.
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